displacement - 1st period
the storm rages.
thunderheads stare down menacing
the sun in perpetual setting
beautiful angry colors stream through
gaps, moving around
reprieve from acid reign.
rain down upon this world
my domain
my vision and all of existance.
tombstones disintegrate all over
leaving each site unmarked - avoid
detection and each mound rumbles in discontent
renew life through lightning
strikes random.
(isn't there a spark?
supposed to be that way, right?)
moments of peace displaced
by the burning rotting
smell of dissolved matter, collapses...
yet all still stands
for like all things this shall pass.
and somewhere,
off an unfathomable distance
away from the world
(as if on some other plane)
there stands a man pushing,
trying to crash through a wall.
wondering when will this deluge
wash away his torment, make his task
easier, produce some change...
or at least
stop.
- 11/27/96
deceptions -
2nd period
assessing the progress.
what?
walls still stand and block his sight.
it must fall.
all will fall to the will...
if only his is still there.
self-mutilation a crime?
no witnesses, no complaints
he'd be innocent if not so stubborn
knowing it must return
to dust
whence all has come before,
where all shall return to but not before
it has had its day.
and even then all goes on.
walking his void plane
sharing with
ghosts only he can see
existing independant of him
assessing the damage.
no report.
all queries to unanswer.
the rust-like scent fills the air
ozone...charged particles
he grimaces
yet continues on task
waiting...awaiting
though standing strong on his plane
overwhelmed
numb to it all
anything to break the system.
- 11/27/96
livememorex -
flashback?
it was
and when it was
it was good
at least for me
but then again it was
not for you
as such it wasn't
and will probably never be
but that's alright
the whole thing
changed me - elimination
of things i wish
i still had
trying to live without
not happening
it never was
easy to bury the past
when it makes
me who i am
and i wish that i wasn't
don't know what
to effect change
just trying to keep myself
from the end
of this rope
from which i've hung for
far too long
way before you
will probably be after you
if that will ever be
as much as i
want to, need to move on
held back
the rack on which
you've strung me up on
so unwittingly
not placing blame
anywhere but right here
on this hand
that writes what
the mind dwells on so long
can't say goodbye
i thought i did
so many times i've tried
and you come back
still not your fault
my own mind tortures me
my cross to bear
you buried me
just when i learned the method
to self-resurrection
dwells in exile
enforced amnesia through fear
can't face unknowns
pushed forward back
cries for sympathy unanswered
undesired really
no time for pity
though assistance would be nice
a gift from above
wasted on you
has taught me that everything
doesn't apply
nothing matters
someday i will move forward
all must. before death?
-12/8/96, 6:35 - 6:55 am
emptyland - 3rd
period
i don't know anymore
thoughts of pleasure
crush my psyche
earthquakes through me
and pain is not much better.
and it's sad
as i sit
stared down my reflection
it seems like i was never
there.
and i realize
i wasn't.
but will i ever be? unknown
all was frozen solid once
and then the heatwave came blasting
through shattering
melting out of the question
like boiling water on ice
whose shards dissolved
into substance
greeted then liquid nitrogen spray
freezerburnt now, still split apart
integrity failure imminent
desire out of bounds
no solution therefore
watching, awaiting progress to happen
seeds are sown
yet nothing grows in this acid reign
seemingly destined to fail
the man, still on emptyland,
fights on.
- 12/8/96, 7:00 - 7:10 am
innerviews -
4th period
"pushing the wall?"
well, not really anymore...
"but was that not the goal?"
no that is to be found.
aimless, wander the land
soaking, dripping causticity
chains of lightning through
clouds highlighting nuances
and providing light.
yet none to the ground.
he stares up blankly, watching
analyzing, trying to find
a pattern
measures of predictability
probabilities uncountable
trying to calculate though
overflow errors abound
knowing too much, too random
chaos theory expands through practice.
he turns to look, question
the ground he's covered, his terrain
conquered with each new step
the wall is shrinking - realization!
distance puts it down, may it
have done his job? a thought - insert
recollection - the construct still
stands in its imperviousness
it's just somewhere else now
in a finite world he will smash headlong
into this wall, somehow - someway -
is this world infinite? and he'll never
forget - end of verse 2, "nuage fractal,"
- nobody can detect the butterfly effect -
- 1/10/97, 8:05 - 8:20 am
*note - last line of poem from "nuage fractal" by voivod from the
'angel rat' album, (c)1991 willesden music, inc. (bmi)*
conquest -
two-minute warning
suddenly
without warning
the earth trembled slightly
(caught unawares, the man
almost lost his footing)...
the paths shook
trees vibrated
subsonics quake the flesh
as the mountain rose from nowhere
right in front of him.
and the rumbling grew -
expansion, contraction, disruption -
till it was formed
as if just for him to see.
afraid to climb its might at first
he walked around
no safe path in sight
yet he begins to climb
regardless of the cost
just to not succumb to fear.
he climbed and would not
could not, should not, cannot stop.
if the top is but one place -
only one road may lead to it.
but this day
he made his own road
each handhold
shaky though it was
forgotten - since the next one
was to be conquered.
and not stop, until the top...
where he is not alone.
- 1/26/97, 3:55 - 4:10 am